I knew I wasn’t the first person to be a mom. Duh of course Aysia. But there are times you go through things as a mother and between the hustle and bustle of life and the new baby you forget that other moms (and dads too), are going through or have gone through the same situations.
When I wrote my breastfeeding post discussing why I chose to feed my baby this way I talked about my lack of “love at first sight” for my baby. I was sure I would receive some rude, “why would she say she didn’t love her child”, comments. But to my surprise I didn’t.
See I loved my son. I mean at least I knew I was supposed to love my son. He’s my flesh, he was growing inside of me and I was literally creating him. There’s an automatic kind of love that comes with that. But I wasn’t sure if I LOVED my son. You know, that obsession kind of love.
Throughout my pregnancy people touched my belly. Asked to see my ultrasounds. Asked questions from baby names, to gender, to birth plans; honestly, sometimes it felt like outsiders were more obsessed with my baby than me. Don’t get me wrong I loved the doctor visits where we got to hear his heart beat. The flutters in my belly made me feel like there were butterflies all throughout my body. Rubbing my belly, dressing my belly; it all was fun. I LOVED being pregnant. But did I LOVE my baby?
Throughout my pregnancy I constantly questioned myself; “shouldn’t I feel something like magic?”, “Isn’t there supposed to be more to this whole pregnancy thing?”. I would cry to may son’s father asking “does it mean I’m going to be a bad mother because I don’t have this burning, all over, body tingling LOVE for him?”. And his answer was always the same, “It’ll come”. And I convinced myself of the same thing. The second that I laid eyes on that beautiful baby boy that had been brewing inside me, I was definitely going to feel that immediate love. But I didn’t and for me, it didn’t happen that way.
The moment they placed the incision and opened me up one thing was for sure, my life was changed forever. They took my son out, got him all cleaned up and brought him over for me to see. This was it! The moment I was waiting for, the one where the love would just hit me like a ton of bricks. But there was no change; no surge of love, no increase in heart rate, I don’t even think I cried. My actual thought was, can they hurry up and stitch me up so this whole thing can be over.
Finally, they stitched me all up and rolled me into the recovery room. I wanted to hold my baby. I wanted to be present and spend time with my family but I was so drugged that what I really wanted to do was sleep. Once up on the labor and delivery floor I was definitely in awe with the baby. I couldn’t believe my body had made something so amazing and pure. But yet again I felt the question lingering, do I LOVE him?
About a month later we were visiting my parents and I remember a conversation me and my brother had.
He asked: “So are you like obsessed with him?”.
I responded: “I mean not really. I just love cuddling him. I like feeding him and just holding his hand while I do. I like to kiss his cheeks a lot. I stare at him when he’s sleep and just can’t seem to look away. It’s just really cool”.
His response: “That kind of sounds like obsession to me”.
And finally it hit me. He was right.
I obsessively LOVED this baby.
There was this little creature in front of me, so meek and innocent, and I was completely obsessed with him.
There was no ONE MOMENT that caused this love. No “magical look” that captured my heart. And that’s OKAY, because instead there were all these little moments that formed into one.
Moms you love that baby. Even when you think you don’t, when you question your bond or connection, or even when you’re staring at this new squishy thing they put in your arms thinking what do I do with it. Your love for that baby knows no bounds. So throughout his life forget trying to look for big moments and just embrace all the funny, sweet and loving moments as one.
Trust me, that’s LOVE.