I can vividly remember the day my son was born and the events that led up to it. Each detail, scent, sound…it is all ingrained in my brain. I was only 22 weeks & 6 days pregnant when Jaxson was born. In most hospitals, they don’t consider a baby under 24 weeks viable. My husband and I were aware of the risk as they were told to us over the course of my 4 day hospital admission. My OB asked us to decide if we wanted to take the aggressive route to try and stay pregnant for a few more weeks or let Jaxson come on his own and then do “comfort care” which means no intervention and he would pass in mine and my husband’s arms. He then went on to suggest in a cavalier matter that we were young and could “try again” in the future. The sobs that I let out as my heart literally ached could be felt by all who were in the room. All of this felt like a terrible nightmare. I asked and pleaded for answers as to why this was happening to me and my family. We are good people, we do the right thing, we love Jesus, I mean all of that should mean something, right? I was forced to come to terms with the fact that sometimes things don’t happen as planned. There was nothing that I did wrong to be in this situation, nothing at all.
Prematurity does not discriminate, and it can happen at anytime to anyone.
Knowing all of the risks, we prayed for wisdom and for a miracle. I then made the brave decision to put my body through whatever it would take to keep Jaxson in the womb a bit longer.
I told my OB through silent tears, “Save my son, I don’t care what happens to me, just save my son.”
I was willing to go so that my son could live. He didn’t deserve what was happening inside of my body and I knew that he would fight. I had an overwhelming sense of peace and I never worried that he wouldn’t survive, the thought honestly didn’t cross my mind. We were told that there was a 20% chance he would survive and possibly have many developmental delays if he did make it. I rested in my faith and the fact that God formed this child in my womb and He had brought us too far to leave us. After being on hospital bed rest for 4 days, enduring lots of medication, long days and nights in a little hospital room, at 4:30am I started going into pre-term labor again. All attempts to stop it this time failed and I went through 10 painful hours of labor and an emergency c-section. Jaxson was born weighing 1lb 2.9oz and proved to be a strong little fighter.
Creating a bond didn’t come right away, I was in a state of shock. I was scared to get too close, I was in pain from my c-section, I literally felt like numb. My family and I were instantly thrust into this world that we knew little to nothing about. The beeps, the monitors, the machines, the nurses, the fragility of life, having to leave your baby…it is so much to take in. It took time to adjust, and learn things quickly.
It would take 2 surgeries, 4 blood transfusions, countless pokes, x-rays, heart echoes, tears, sleepless nights and MORE over the course of 119 days before we were able to bring Jaxson home.
During this season of our life, I learned so very much about myself and just how precious life really is. I never knew true love and sacrifice until I had Jaxson. Motherhood has been such a great teacher for me over the last 16 months.
I had heard of people experiencing miracles, I just had never truly saw one first hand. My baby defied all of the odds that were against him. He fought his way through to show the world that miracles do exist. When I look into his eyes I see a spark. He has such a sweet spirit and he is truly a happy baby so appreciative of life. I would not change anything about what we went through, we are such a stronger family unit and we have been able to inspire so many near and far. Our faith, hope and love brought us through and continues to be our foundation. By God’s grace, we are living our best days and creating beautiful memories.
So I encourage you, no matter what season of life you are currently in, take some time to count your blessings and keep a positive outlook. Make it a point to try new things- or plan a couple of activities that have been on your to-do list. The moments you celebrate today are bound to become amazing memories that are sure to last a lifetime! And God is so faithful, He will allow you to have the desires of your heart. He will restore everything you’ve lost. For us NICU moms, we have lost time. But God will restore everything you lost and He will have compassion on you! He will give you a good life and make your days even more plentiful. Just rest in Him and trust Him. (Deuteronomy 30:3)