How did you envision becoming a mother? Did it go as you planned?
My vision of motherhood versus my reality was so far off. Years ago when I was about eighteen, I received a letter from Planned Parenthood letting me know I had pre-cancerous cells in my cervix. I had a procedure done to freeze those cells but never followed up to see if the procedure worked. Time passed and the local Planned Parenthood closed down, I went on to college and never really gave it another thought. After two possibilities of being pregnant with no result, I assumed I was damaged goods. The plan was to adopt when I was financially and career stable. So how exactly did my motherhood journey begin? Well that’s a long story but I’ll shorten it.
I met a nice guy when I was at the point of my life of not wanting one. I was single, free and in a new state enjoying this stage of my life. I can’t lie though, he was such a breath of fresh air. I can’t remember how long it’s been since I talked on the phone with a man for more three hours about everything.
I warned him that I was only looking for friendship. A few months later he brings up the idea of companionship. I have already been down that path a few times before with disastrous results but I figured, why not give it a try…one more time? I must say, he was very determined in pursuing me. He got me one night when the moon was full and the air thick with lust. I said yes to him and just like that conception unknowingly happened .
It would have been almost romantic if we weren’t in the “real world“. I wanted to be a mother but I was nowhere near ready. He already had children and was going through some issues with one of his children’s mothers. I suggested abortion and was willing to go forth with it.
He got me one night when the moon was full and the air thick with lust.
At the time, my thinking was not to further complicate both of our lives. But in the end of it all, I couldn’t go through with the abortion because my baby boy’s due date fell on my birthday. I asked for a sign and my guardian angels gave me one that they knew would wake my behind up. So due to my decision to keep my son, my child’s father decided he could not be apart of our lives. Mentally and emotionally I had come to truly know the man behind the facade.
In retrospect, it took me to have my baby in order to understand my life’s purpose. I’ve always been aware of my talents and what to do to pursue them. Fear of failure and other people’s opinions is what stopped me. I was good at talking the talk and even inspiring others during good conversation. I just wasn’t walking in my truth.
The past year has made me realize I’m even stronger than I have given myself credit for. I am not mad at my child’s father. I actually wish him the best. He’s a wonderful father to his other children. I’m sure in time he’ll be a better man for a woman who has time and energy to help him heal internally. My vision for having a child didn’t go as planned but I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even the clear as day mistakes I made. Try not to judge me to harshly. Different strokes for different folks…
On July 19, 2016 I birthed a five-pound twelve ounce baby boy by the name of Isaiah Prince Knight. He underwent heart surgery a week after birth. He’s diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. You wouldn’t know it by looking at him. I’m enjoying my twin baby even though he likes to kick me in the boobs every morning. It’s so much more to our story. Be free to follow our blog Soul Baring: Life after the Decision to get to know the long version and follow our journey.
Latoya “Evona” Knight #Heartmom
What’s your First time motherhood story??? Share with me Below