From as far back as I can remember, I have always dreamed of one day becoming a mum.
Remember that little girl you would see running around as a child, with a doll pretending to be a mum? Well that was me. I simply could not wait for that precious day I would hear the word “Mummy”. When I became a Christian at sixteen, I decided that I definitely wanted to wait to get married first and then have kids. Little did I know that two short years later at just eighteen years old, I would be walking down the aisle. My husband of now nine years had been a friend of mine for a while, but when we fell for each other we just knew we would spend the rest of our lives together and so we decided to tie the knot shortly after. However, as we got married so young, we decided we would wait to have kids. I was always so excited as I knew I was one step closer to my dream of having a family.
A few years later, we decided that we were ready to start trying for a baby and so we started our journey to parenthood. I did countless pregnancy tests but to my shock and despair I could not get pregnant. It was so disheartening and my longing to have a baby grew even stronger. This went on for about a year and a half but finally, one day I did a test and it was positive. I was pregnant! The feeling of joy I had was indescribable. We shared the amazing news with friends and family who were just as excited as we were.
Sadly, this joy and excitement turned into fear and worry as at 11 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding. We rushed to the hospital, had a scan and we were given the devastating news that the baby had not grown or developed in any way. I had a miscarriage shortly after. This broke my heart, I felt so deceived by my own body. Although it was such a tough time for us, I encouraged myself with the hope that we would go on to have normal healthy pregnancies and that the pain I was feeling would only last for a short season.
We waited a few months and then started trying for another baby. Just a few months later, I was pregnant again. However when I was 8 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding. Again. We rushed to the early pregnancy unit to check if everything was okay. I was given another scan and was told that this time there was a heartbeat. Although I was so worried, hearing that news gave me such hope. That hope was short lived as we were then told that the heartbeat was very abnormal and that it did not look like a normal pregnancy. A week later, I sadly had another miscarriage.
This caused me to sink into a deep depression as I felt that as a woman, I had failed at doing what I was born to do.
At the time I just didn’t understand why God had let this happen to me but I held on to my faith in Him and knew that he could and would somehow turn things around for me.
Three years and two kids later, I look back now and realize that you will never fully know or understand how strong your faith is until you have been through faithless situations.
You will never understand how great it feels to have real love, until you have had real heartache.
My hope and faith in God kept me going at such a dark time. That same hope and faith I had in the very beginning of my journey to motherhood, I held on to throughout those dark times too. Because of that, I overcame the fear that it may never happen and the guilt that it was somehow my fault that this had happened to me.
I now have a gorgeous, boisterous three year old boy and a beautiful happy one year old girl. I look at them everyday and still cannot believe they are both mine…that God really did give me the desire of my heart- Proverbs 3:5-6. My story is all about hope and faith. Holding onto your faith even when you cannot see anything around you to keep you believing for better. Having to go through such a difficult journey in becoming a mother has made me that more appreciative being able to be one now.
I wanted to share my story to encourage anyone else out there trying for a baby, or that has dealt with the painful loss of a child that there really is hope and that God can turn any situation around. I thank God for my journey, for making me a stronger person and making me a VERY grateful mum and if he did it for me, he can do it for you too.