Where do I even begin?…. I guess I should start with me, who I am.
My name is Kristine. I am mother to Ava. I didn’t always identify as someone’s mother. As a matter a fact, I don’t think I really knew who I was before I became a mother. I was lost. Maybe I’m still lost? I’m a lot closer to who I’m destined to be than I was before Ava though. For sure.
Here’s the back story.. At the age of 21, I met the man that I thought I’d be with for the rest of my life. I met the man that I felt was my equal. I loved him from the first time I met him. I loved who he was.. not who he was to become. For privacy purposes, we will use the name “Joe.” I met “Joe” how most millennials meet these days, through social media. But as soon as we met, there was an INSTANT connection. It felt like we knew each other for years. We spent days and weeks, together at a time just being comfortable in each other’s space. Or so I thought. I should’ve learned my lesson the first time I found a pair of eyelashes (that weren’t mine) under his bed, or the time I walked in on him having sex with another woman. But I didn’t. That wasn’t enough. The Capricorn in me enjoyed this “challenge” of having to prove my love for someone. Having to win someone over. I didn’t value myself, and that’s how I ended up here, now.
Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t the worst person in the world… I truly believe he just didn’t know how to love someone properly. He wasn’t raised that way.
Fast forward to Summer 2016. The summer that I got pregnant.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I went to the Pregnancy Aide Clinic in Hapeville. I knew I was pregnant instantly because of how sick I was. He just needed confirmation. See, I was a bartender at the time. I used to LOVE the smell of alcohol. Suddenly, it began to make me sick. So I knew. In walked the nurse to confirm what I already knew. When he heard the news… it was like you had just taken a candy from a baby. I’d never seen him look so weak. His world was about to change, is all I remember him saying. Please don’t be confused… these were not tears of joy, they were grown man “wtf” tears. The ride home was the most silent either of us had ever been. I stayed at his house for 3 days straight out of fear for my parents. During those 3 days, there was a lot of crying (from him), a lot of what if’s, and a lot of “what about your future, you’re not ready to be a mother”. Soon, I went home and faced my fears. My parents were INSTANTLY supportive because that’s who they are.
When it was time to tell his mom, I got an earful from a lady who clearly felt that I was not worthy of her son’s sperm. She made sure to tell me & my parents how horrible of a job they did raising me and made sure to let me know a paternity test would be distributed. Which was fine, because that’s your God given right as a man, to be SURE of your children.
I am a firm believer that I had the worst pregnancy in the history of mankind. I was hospitalized 4 times, mentally stressed, and physically as well. Had it not been for my mother I don’t know where I would be.
D-Day was the happiest day of my life. I became a new woman instantly. I gave birth to my 7 lb 9 oz, 21 in long baby girl, Ava Noelle Robinson on 4/13/17. A hell of a pregnancy, a week & a half past my due date, 30 hours of labor, 25 minutes of pushing and finally she was here. “Joe” declined to sign the birth certificate until he got his DNA results. Understandable.
A week after my princess was born, my parents got home, and said they had “news”. We found out that Ava was not “Joe’s.” This sent me into a depression for about a month, but we’ll come back to that.
I know what you’re wondering… if not his, then who? The summer that I got pregnant was a rough one. I was depressed, I was drinking more than I should have and I had a one night stand with Ava’s father, “Kevin” (for privacy purposes), and hadn’t spoken to him since. I barely remember that night, but I do KNOW that she’s his. She is a mirror image of him, his son, and his mother. It’s scary.
“Joe” and I didn’t speak for a while, rightfully so. But I had another problem on my hands, I was now a single mother. When I say single mother, I mean SINGLE MOTHER. No husband, no boyfriend, no “ain’t ****” baby daddy”, just me & my baby. SINGLE MOTHER! The only support I had was that of my family. It turns out, that was just enough.
I know what you’re wondering, “what about “Kevin”? LOL! I’ve reached out directly and indirectly a few times to “Kevin” and I haven’t heard back. But you know what? That’s okay. Let me tell you something…
God makes no mistakes. Saying it is once thing, but to FIRMLY believe it, will bring so much more peace to your life. Once you realize that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be, you’ve done exactly what you’re supposed to do, and this is all part of the process, your world will change for the better.
See I NEEDED my daughter to remove me from the toxicity that was my relationship with “Joe”. I NEEDED my daughter to be able to move forward with a better career. I NEEDED my daughter to SAVE ME. I was spiraling out of control. I was headed down the wrong path. Ava Noelle Robinson, she saved me. So when people ask me who I am? I always acknowledge being a mother first. Because I don’t know if I’d still be here without her little soul. I refuse to lie and make it seem like this road is easy. There are days where I second guess everything. But I have support of family, friends, and GOD!
And now, I’m a walking testimony for other moms. Through my mommy meet up group, Momtourage, I have been able to meet/touch so may moms and I’m forever grateful for that.